You know what my favorite thing about poison ivy is? The exciting waiting game we play together. See, when a normal person breaks out, it’s usually all at once and very apparent where they were touched. Not the female Savino body though, oh no- when I first see a sign of it, that’s just what it is- the first glimpse. Then every morning when I wake up, it’s like and endless “look and find” with new items to seek each day, in any area, in any size. A dot here, a few dots there- I search my appendages for new areas as I drink my coffee. At the moment I’m on day 5, and am excited to announce an additional two baby spots on my right arm. Super.

When I was younger I didn’t get any of the poison based rashes, which was a lifesaver as my brothers and I basically lived in the woods of Plymouth; traversing paths, bogs and ponds. The good life. We were taught about the three P’s early on; poison oak, ivy and sumac. We were surrounded by it, and built our secret bases and forts around the worst areas- obviously to keep trespassers and monsters out ( don’t judge clearly it worked). Every once in a while one of us (it was always Rob), would grab a branch of sumac or a vine or ivy and smack/whip one of the others to “test” and see if we were still allergy free. If your face or back didn’t break out in an oozy rash within a few days you were good to go. Allergy testing in the 90’s may seem barbaric, but it was effective. Really it’s a miracle we three survived each other, but here we are.

So now I’m older. The doctors say our immune system changes every seven years- I mean even I’ve read about this stuff before. But I always assumed when our body metamorphisizes, it like, evolves into something better, stronger than it was before. I mean nature AND Hollywood teaches us that right??? Again, oh no, not the female Savino body. Where I once had immunity I now find myself at the mercy of mother nature, and she is fickle, fickle.

I pray every day that there is a God because I have SO many questions; frankly, so many bones to pick and complaints to put in the Heavenly suggestion box. Mosquitos? Just why. Ebola virus? I get that diseases are an integral part of population control but puking up blood and your insides seems unnecessarily excessive, amiright? Don’t even get me started on the giant squid with their huge beaks and hook filled suction cupped tentacles or we’ll be here all day. The meat suit I was given at birth is obviously broken and dysfunctional, has been since it was received, and I’d like to rent a new one for the remainder of my stay please. The controls in this thing must have corrosion or something because I’m constantly dropping items, falling and smashing my body into stuff. My speakers are definitely blown, the volume control knob is missing and is clearly stuck on “high”, my temperature gauge is non existant so my shell is always overheating, the hands/feet dangling on the end of my appendages were DEFINITELY made for a medium sized dude not a 5’4 female, I’m already allergic to the Earth, now ALL the plants, trees and animals as well?? Good to know.

I’m preeeetty sure humans aren’t supposed to regress or evolve backwards; that wouldn’t be beneficial to our species as a whole. I mean come on, de-evolution cannot be a thing?! I shouldn’t be adding items to the allergy list as I get older, I should be metamorphosizing like K. Costner in Waterworld or something. This is crazy Lord, more allergies?? WHERE ARE MY GILLS?? I want out of this busted shell!! Someone must have spilled coffee on the control board and shorted something out because this thing does NOT work properly- can I just trade it in for a newer model with some different specs or something please??

No. Here I am day 5, drinking coffee and rubbing the back of my leg, wondering if that spot just had a random itch or if the ivy plague has spread there as well. Tomorrow is an adventure we don’t all see. Ivy or not let’s always be down.