I feel like I’m transitioning. Again.
I guess I always feel like I’m adjusting, changing mentally; but I never achieve completion. It’s like I get stuck halfway through and just remain suspended in a constant pervasive stage of metamorphosis, except I never evolve; I never fully grow. Eternally adhering to the “in-between”, the purgatory of stunted development. This must be enough to drive a sane man insane, right?

Who am I? Who was I? Who will I become?
Sometimes I feel such guilt when I look at my children. I want to lie to them, tell them it all gets better as you age; you become confident and capable; you shed your fear. But I don’t feel the relief of those things; I’m really the same scared child, just living in an older shell. Weathered by the rain, and the stress; the trauma of existence. Still a girl frightened of the dark and monsters, yet mature enough to realize most of them wear human faces. Weary of beautiful facades that sometimes concealing putrid and rotten insides.

I don’t know where I’m going, or even want to be. I just want peace, inner peace, to the point where chasing that dream is the only thing I can focus on. I’ve lived a life of stressful turmoil. I’d like to empty myself of the anxiety; the massive pits of soul wrenching despair and angst.

Even for a moment. What I’d give for one minute of peace.

Peace from them. Peace from you. But mostly peace from myself. One minute to quit faking I enjoy my own company sometimes. One minute to look in the mirror and pretend I like what I see. One minute to leave all the harsh words and criticism off to the side. One minute to stop scolding myself, to accept who I am and what I am as a person. It’s so easy to get lost dissenting from convention. So easy to stray off the path; lose your sense of direction in the wilds of the world. It’s huge out there; the expanse seems suffocating, and though I don’t know why that is, sometimes I can’t breathe through the weight of it all.

We’re all just surviving really; putting one foot in front of the other and I shouldn’t be sad because I have it better than it’s ever been, right?? Bigger house, better car; brand new kicks, and my records and my and my and my… I should be happy, should appreciate and not take for granted all the hard work I put in to get here. But I guess I have a hole to fill, a deep dark cavern and nothing I’ve been pouring in seems to satiate it.
I just want someone to understand me. To hold my hand when I don’t want to speak, to steer me back to shore when I’ve lost my way. My eternal compass rose. Completion. I need soft hands and comfort, not hostility and perpetual disapproval.
I understand my personality is like a crashing wave. I can tear through spaces with hurricane force wind; a loud, boisterous cyclone. My nature is wild, and I’m afraid I’ll never be tamed. Harsh words and criticism will only break my spirit and soul; dim any shine. I need kindness to hold me close, tamp down my inferno to smoldering ash without stomping it out. Help comfort my fears, stoke my fire so only the embers burn, but I’m not engulfed in flames. Be a blanket in my blizzard. A lighthouse in my stormy sea. A shelter in my rain.
Be my peace and I will pull the stars from the sky for you; burn brightest for you alone until the end of time. This I promise.